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Need help, friend blaming mental disorder

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at 20 Apr 2008: 15:41

I know this isn't about furries but I ask for the mods not to remove this topic because I seriously need some help here. My friend for a long time is blaming his mental disorder for everything under the sun including things that aren't related. I've tried to help him get over this disorder by telling him how I got over my own that were semi-related. I've tried to help him adopt better habits which would translate to him being able to battle the disorder. But at the end of the day everytime something goes wrong, he feels like being lazy or doesn't want to work he will blame his mental disorder for everything going wrong in his life.

It's beginning to frustrate me immensely and I don't know what to do at this point. I've given all the help I can give a dozen times over and i've done everything I can think of but it's making no difference. It seems like he is just content using the disorder as a crutch rather than mustering up the willpower to fight the disorder and get better, to rise above it. It's starting to affect the friendship to the point where I find it hard to talk to him because what used to be genuine sympathy is turning into anger.

What can I do? Has anyone on Fchan had to deal with this? What did you do to fix the problem? Any advice you could give would be VERY helpful.

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at 20 Apr 2008: 16:19

Have you told him it's straining your friendship? That might be helpful. Since it's clear you can't help him (through no fault of your own) you might at least be able to work things out so you can remain friends.

And what _is_ the disorder? No one will be able to help without knowing what it is, as there are plenty of disorders out there, and each one requires a different approach.

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at 20 Apr 2008: 16:34

>>2
ADD and yes, i've mentioned that it's starting to strain things. He just chalked it up as another problem caused by the ADD and I tried to say it's not the ADD that's the problem, it's my percieved opinion that he isn't trying to actively overcome the ADD. He then says that "there is nothing I can do about it, it's a chemical imbalance and I can't afford to go to a psychologist" to which I reply that I had severe anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder and mild ADD. I overcame the depression, most of the anxiety disorder(it doesn't completely crush me now) and most of the ADD. I did all of this without professional help, help from friends(I kept my disorders secret) or medication. So I guess from my point of view...it REALLY gets to me when people won't try to solve their own problems much less accept the help others have to offer to reinforce their own willpower.

I'm sounding like kind of an ass right now but I assure you I took hours making sure I told him this in a very gentle and understanding way.

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Sen at 20 Apr 2008: 17:37

Call him on his bullshit.

All day every day every single time. Don't let him get away with it. Tell him he can't blame everything on ADD, because ADD wasn't even a "problem" until around the mid 90's or so.

He'll learn. And if he doesn't? Then he's an idiot. Treat him like such.

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Bizzle at 20 Apr 2008: 22:07

>>3
ADD?  Fucking ADD is supposedly ruining his life?  My ass!  And of course he's a "self-diagnosed" ADD sufferer.

You have no reason to feel like an jerk for recognizing it to be the bullshit that it is, because I would not tolerate that shit.  Seriously, you aren't doing someone like that any favors by being gentle and understanding.  It's his favorite emotional crutch, and it needs to be kicked out from under him.  That won't necessarily make him take stock of his emo life, but if he sees that it doesn't win him sympathy anymore he may eventually come to rely on it less.

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Nikora Angeli at 20 Apr 2008: 22:18

I know this isn't much but man, KUDOS to you for realizing your own problems and getting over them yourself. You took responsibility and that's rare.

As for your friend, sounds like he has some growing up to do. Keep calling on it, like >>4 said.

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at 21 Apr 2008: 05:57

Heh, a guy I used to go to high school with had this problem, he ended up graduating 3 years later than his own class because the school didn't give two shits, having already compensated his education for his "disorder."  I say a little tough love is in order, if he's really your friend, tell him straight up, and don't be afraid to get a little mad.

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at 21 Apr 2008: 07:03

>>4
Yeah, I agree. Before these things were recognized as problems people used to try a lot harder rather than just saying "LOL I can't do that because I have 'x' disorder". It made for a much harder life but doesn't EVERYONE have something that sucks in their life? I think everyone deserves some help but at the same time the only person who can truly overcome the problem is the person WITH the problem.

>>5
Professionally diagnosed actually which is why I tried to be helpful at first since I did have mild ADD and knew how hard it was to deal with. I thought with my own personal experiences i'd be able to give advice that was more helpful.

>>6
Thanks, I appreciate it. Most people just like to tell me how stupid I am and how I should have got professional help and medication only.

>>7
I actually dropped out myself but that's only because the anxiety was so crushing at the time I couldn't even hear what the teacher was saying. I was professionally diagnosed when I finally had a breakdown though I still kept all of this from my friends for years while I worked through things on my own. I did try going to a few professionals(because my parents forced me) but they were seriously not helpful at ALL. They gave me medication and I refused to take it.

Then I tried going to a healer once because my mom was already going. He said I was an empath and that people's emotions tended to flood me causing massive anxiety attacks. He then said I was 'just like him' in the sense I could feel what is wrong with others and help them. He taught me a few things and they sure 'felt' real enough, by the end of that session I felt REALLY good. Of course I realized soon after that he also wasn't going to make all my problems go away though the help he gave did start a catalyst in which I was able to turn things around on my own.(which is why I think it's important to help others but there is only so much that can be done before THEY need to pick up the ball)

I eventually re-enrolled with a new positive outlook and I was actually doing better in school than I ever had but then I got sick for like 2-3 weeks with some nasty virus. The guidance counseller forced me to drop two classes despite the fact I argued I could make up the work. Soon after that he found out I was having 'fun' in my forced study hours and told the library staff to keep me away from all the students in a corner not talking and ONLY studying, nothing else, including reading books in the library which is what I was doing. It's at that point I realized...I only had ONE credit for highschool thus far...I would have to be there another four years plus summer school because those forced dropped classes...so fuck it.

Once again I dropped out but for a different reason this time. It wasn't about quitting or giving up but rather I wanted to get more control over my life. So I started using all my free time to research business, marketing, etc so that I could basically be self-employed. Personally i'm GLAD my guidance counseller made me realize I didn't belong in school because it worked out very well this way. I've made more personal, educational and professional progress this way than I would have otherwise.

Also, I enrolled in James Madison High School(also known as Ashworth University) to pursue a highschool education on my own time. You won't get much actual 'help' from these guys but I always learned better on my own anyway so it works out fine for me. The books are also really high quality and i'd argue they are some of the best school books i've ever read. I actually WANTED to read them...which surprised me since school books were always so boring before. Don't know why schools choose to get such boring books when they have ones like these out there with great flow, pace and arrangement of facts.

But i'm getting off subject...and I doubt anyone will even read much less give a damn about this unsolicited life story, lol. Point is, help from right people in unexpected places = necessary to make life altering mental changes but the willpower to want to get better has to be there in the first place.

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at 21 Apr 2008: 07:35

>>8
OP again, my last part got cut off for some odd reason.

"So my question is...how do I inspire this willpower in him so that he can accept the help he needs to get better? Do I just follow the advice that's been given above or is there a less...'mean' way?

Thank you for all the help you've given so far, I appreciate it."

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at 21 Apr 2008: 07:57

for a second there i thought you were trying to sell books. :D

as far as advice goes: you are certainly not a normal case. if all you write is true then you have exceptional willpower and he's probably just a plain normal idiot.

the only thing i can suggest is to find something he wants to do and push him towards that, keep him working towards something he wants to do.

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at 21 Apr 2008: 08:17

>>10
Haha, yeah, I really overdid the book part.

As for finding something he wants to do...I thought I had found it. He told me his passion and i've been dedicating hours of my life finding information, advice, tips, etc to help him pursue that passion. Except once again the ADD problem roadblocks him and though he seems to have no problem focusing on videogames for hours on end...when it comes to his so called passion it gets second fiddle.

What I find alarming is that when I give advice...sometimes weeks later I will give the same advice and he will act like I never said that before. He will thank me and say it's good advice but then another few months later once again he has 'forgotten' the advice as if I never said it. I guess he also forgot it the second he went to sleep that day too since he didn't implement the advice he agreed with so strongly.

I guess you could say part of the reason i'm being frustrated is that i'm dedicating a lot of my time to trying to help him out, to help him pursue his passion, to get him out of the death grip of ADD, etc etc and it seems like all of what I say is so unimportant to him he forgets it by the time he goes to bed and wakes the next day.

Unless he has like some weird memory disorder i'm starting to feel unappreciated. I'm going out of my way for him and he seems intent on basically setting himself up for failure by not even strongly pursuing what he calls a passion. He will end up some burger flipper at mcdonalds and that's depressing.

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Bizzle at 21 Apr 2008: 08:32

>>8
Oh, so it was professionally diagnosed.  At least it probably wasn't entirely made up.  Still, ADD isn't so serious that it can be expected to ruin one's life.  Hell, my brother has ADHD, OCD, Tourettes Syndrome, and all the medicines that go with them.  He doesn't blame every problem in his life on it.  Granted, he's not the most socially gifted person in the world, but he keeps on keeping on.  That sort of thing is only a disability if you make it one.

Oh and you're right for not trusting that medication.  I don't at all like what it does to my brother.  A little of it seems to help him, but it's like something is missing, something is wrong, whenever he's on them.  Like, have you ever heard that song "Lithium"?

Reading the bit about school books being boring, one factor may be that you may have just found the old ones to not be challenging enough.  I had that problem in public school.  Private school curriculum tends to be more challenging even though they often seem to have a political slant to them.  Trust me, once you're out of highschool it's all downhill.  College is a hell of a lot more fun.

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OP at 21 Apr 2008: 10:05

>>12
I was lucky to have both excessive allergy to various medications and a mom who didn't believe in medication. If it was up to my father i'd of probably been thrown in a mental hospital, medicated and held there until I was 'better'. I don't really hold it against him...that's just the way he believed in doing things at the time. Plus I DID threaten to kill him in the middle of the night if he dared to take my computer away or break it like he said he would.(and I believed him because he destroyed an expensive RC car birthday present infront of me)

While I didn't tell my friends both online and offline(had less of them and they lived further away) about my problems they helped me by being there when I felt suicidal. So if you see it through my mindset at the time...threatening to take away those 'priviledges' simply because I couldn't function in school like he wanted me to was like signing my death warrant. He made this threat(and I made mine) before I was diagnosed by a professional and had my breakdown.

After that he became more supportive and so it's GOOD that these things are diagnosed because otherwise parents will treat their children in a way that is more likely to cause suicide and other more serious mental damage. He has more than made up for his threats to break my life(PC, all my ideas, writings files, friends, etc), throw me in a mental hospital and kick me out of the house at 18. He has supported my decisions to be an entrepreneur, let me stay at his place so i'm not burdened with rent and is helping to fund my dreams by giving me startup money.

The fact of the matter is...if my parents weren't so supportive and loving after my breakdown i'd of probably killed myself. Unfortunately that is how some parents are...they don't give a damn about mental issues and how hard they are to overcome. They want to assert their will, their way and their belief structure to the point of 'breaking' their kids as if they were some slave rather than a child. I had friends with family like that. One thing I learned first hand is you can't solve a mental problem by being aggressive, hostile and making ultimatums because it just makes the mental problem that much stronger.

Sorry for the giant walls of text...just thinking someone might find it helpful or interesting to hear some of this, lol.

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OP at 21 Apr 2008: 10:16

Part Two in reply to >>12
I do agree that ADD isn't that serious of a problem...it is A problem but it's nowhere near thinking suicidal and homicidal thoughts on a daily basis or something of that nature. It's not something that brings you to the edge of sanity and morality. Still...i'd prefer not to go in making a bunch of ultimatums because that's likely to just set off a defensive mode where nothing will really get done because apparently everyone around him buys the ADD defense. So i'd just be the 'odd man out' trying to start a ruckus over nothing.

At the same time...I can see that patience and understanding isn't really working either so i'm pretty much close to done with dedicating my time to helping and maybe even done with the friendship. I do have my own problems to worry about and a LOT of responsibility so I can't keep helping someone who forgets what I say weeks later then continues to blame ADD for everything except when they play videogames nonstop for hours.

Maybe there is more to the story, maybe there isn't. I can't really say because he doesn't bother sharing that kind of information with me whenever we are on the subject and i'm trying to help. He just stays quiet then usually says 'Yeah', 'I see' or something like that then swiftly changes the subject to videogames or something less personal. So I guess all I have left to do is take the advice given in this thread, try it out as a last ditch effort and if it doesn't work then...oh well.

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at 21 Apr 2008: 14:45

>>11
Please don't take this the wrong way, as I'm not meaning to be insulting, just speaking candidly. I can see why you had the issues you did. You're investing far, far more effort into trying to help those who don't want to be helped than is healthy. You are putting yourself in a lot of undue stress, and that's not good for you. You may even feel like it's not a big enough deal to be harmful to you, but these things have ways of being mental icebergs; there's a whole lot more you're unaware of.

The fact of the matter is, you most likely will not be able to help him. The vast majority of the time, someone with issues that deep seated has to help themselves. Unfortunately, I don't think there is any good way to coax them into doing this.

As for the memory thing, that's pretty normal for most people. :P Especially concerning "nagging." We tend to forget things that make us feel unpleasant more readily than other things.

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Bizzle at 22 Apr 2008: 00:55

>>14
In that case, all I can say is that you can't really do anything.  The only person who can get him over this is himself.  Try not to stress.

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