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Relationship advice!

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Nils Hiro Pera at 15 Oct 2008: 21:43

Dear people of /Dis/,

It is time for me to summon forth all the reasonable people on the board. Children and people under the age of 18 need not apply. (You shouldn't be here, but I know you are anyway...) I have a question for those of you here older and wiser (hopefully) than myself.

So, for couple of weeks I've been going out with the first girl I've dated for about a year. She's adorable and shy and I'm quite fond of her. We share an interest of videogames and artwork. This is where the problem begins...

Despite all of our commonalities, we can never seem to FIND ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT. At least, she never can. I always find myself doing all of the talking with an occasional "okey-dokey," or "Umm-hmm!" from her in response. If I DON'T talk, there's an awkward silence. When we communicate via e-mail or letters, we talk plenty, yet in person, the conversation is either nil or one-sided.

So, /dis/, I need advice. She likes me, I like her, but conversation just doesn't happen all that much. Is it worth keeping it on, or should I just break it off and look elsewhere? Maybe turn gay or something? (That last one was a joke... if I get a response regarding 'you shouldn't go gay, etc' I'll know who was just skimming.)


Oh, and required "furry-topicality" on the boards, she finds furries "ickeh" and doesn't know that I fit under certain definitions of that word.

Sincerely,
~Nils Hiro Pera

2Report
at 15 Oct 2008: 22:50

DON'T GO GAY

Just kidding. It sounds like you're both a little bit socially awkward. How does she act in situations where other people are present? (i.e. parties, get togethers, any social event, etc.) If she's perfectly outgoing then, you may just be incompatible with each other.

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at 15 Oct 2008: 23:04

Sounds like incompatibility or serious mental issues.

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at 16 Oct 2008: 00:52

i wouldn't say mental issues but some people have problems talking face-to-face. i do, btw have you asked her about this? you know something along the lines of why are you so quite all the time?

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at 16 Oct 2008: 01:16

"awkward silence" <- Talk to her about that. Find out whether she thinks so too. Consider that not all silences need be awkward. People don't always need to have their significant other blabbing all the time and are perfectly happy to just have them be there.

6Report
at 16 Oct 2008: 01:44

OMG DON'T GO GAY!

Okay, requisite joke aside, just from what you told here it's not that unusual of a relationship and I've been through that stage before. The awkward silence, having to practically drag responses out of a shy partner, but then the person opens up in letters. Just from what you've said here, my suggestion would be to get your sweetie involved with you in things that get her mind off the tension of being in the presence of someone she favors, and onto other things. Doing activities that involve reacting to outside influence is a great way to do this. Going sight-seeing by car or bike, going hiking in the woods, going boating, to a museum, to any place where things inspire communication between the two of you. If you go to places that offer sensory overload like the arcade or a movie, or spend time watching TV, it can stop conversational development in the relationship. Cooking together is also a great conversation starter.

Also, don't get too caught up in the idea that her silence is a bad thing. Sure, it may be nice if she was a bit more bubbly, but she may also just be satisfied being with you, and not feel the need to gab. After all, if she's dating you, she obviously likes you, and that might mean she's a little nervous or giddy in your presence.

About the furry thing, I'm unsure what about "furries" she finds ickeh, or even which furries you're referring to. Anthro characters? Furry porn? Furry fans as presented by the negative view of furry held by good n' plenty loudmouths? All animal characters? The terms are a bit vague, but since she doesn't know you fit under certain definitions of the word, I take it you're not obvious or annoying about it. No costume ears sticking her in the eye, or faux tails lifting her skirt, I assume. So if you're that slick with it so far, you can approach it one of two ways. You could either take the "she needn't know" approach and keep it to yourself, which is always wise for any interest people might weird out over, but if that's not going to work for you, why not be extra slick and concentrate on the content you love, as opposed to that content being part of something called "furry?"

In other words, if you love Sonic the Hedgehog, don't say "I'm a furry who loves Sonic" just say "I love Sonic!" Or I love dragons, or I love wolves, or I love big muscular tiger men, which is why I love Frosted Flakes. Leave off the baggage that the fandom name carries and concentrate on what parts of it matter to you. If she ever brings up whether or not you are a furry, say something like "I guess some people might want to tag me with that label, but I trust you to use your own judgement. I like what I like." You may be surprised to find that by presenting your interests to her (and others) honestly as what they are instead of throwing down the "I'm a furry" line that you can comfortably be yourself after all.

Anyway, I have too little info about the situation to know if what I said will be of help, but I hope everything works out for you and your love. Cheers!

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Nils Hiro Pera at 16 Oct 2008: 22:13

I love it when people put thought into things.

>>6, thank you for an awesome post. My responses:

First, she is rather shy and kind of giddy to be with me. There are occasional times where we talk, but on dates, for example, like going out to eat, etc, it can be quiet. I said 'awkward silence' not nessecarily due to awkwardness, but rather, as a description of the protracted silences that occur.

In regards to the furriness, it's no big deal. Nobody at my school knows about it anyway, (bar my best-buddy, who figured it out for himself somehow due to a Digimon joke I made looong ago.) The general concencus of the definition of 'furry' in my area is that furries are 'people who get together and fap to Star-Fox and then dress up in suits and fuck each other.' ...I only do the first one... sometimes... XD

She's a hardcore anime/web nerd whose read an almost infinite number of slash-fictions, so I'm sure it'd be less difficult for her to accept than others, but for the sake of both safety in society and comfort in this particular relationship, I'm going to keep it on the down-low. (I haven't any tails (XD, Christ) or anything, but I do have a hoodie with a fox embroidered on it from my grandmother, unrelated to my furriness.)

~Just spent 14 hours working at school for a project,
Nils Hiro Pera



8Report
at 16 Oct 2008: 22:28

>>7
6 here, you're welcome on the post, and from what you've said it sounds like you two will be just fine. As for fapping to Starfox, hey, you, me and everyone else! If that's as far as it goes you should have no problems indulging in your kink while keeping it on the down-low and also leading a normal life. Best to you and your girl!

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